Camping Chaos
by Sakuchi-san
Summary: The Director at Whammy House has ordered Matt, Near, and Mello to get out of the AC and go CAMPING. And their chaperones are none other than L, Light, and Matsuda. With these dastardly combos, nobody is going to escape being pranked, beaten, or possibly EATEN. Will everyone make out of the forest alive and with their sanity? (Prequel to Pranks & Sweets, but read it anyways).
1. Road Trip!

_**Here it is, the hilarious prequel to Pranks &amp; Sweets (if you haven't read it, go NOW and laugh your butt off). Or maybe it's better to just read this first?Anyways, Enjoy.**_

_**Camping trip? With this gang? Yeah, someone's gonna screw up...**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Matsuda had just gotten the group lost for the fifth time that morning. Apparently, for a Japanese Police Department officer he didn't know how to read a highway map. _I've must have took a wrong turn at Exit 243, maybe that was it..._thought Matsuda pensively as he glanced at the map again for a longer study. _Or maybe it was 324? That was it...or maybe..._

Suddenly the map was snatched gruffly out of his hand. "I can't stand it anymore! Tried to let you read the map like a big boy and you take the same wrong exit TWELVE FUCKING TIMES. Pull over, I'm driving." Matsuda was unfortunate enough to have Light up front with him in his BMW. And he was grouchy about having to go on this trip. _Camping _of all things.

"You can't drive! I already told you that because it's _my _awesome car. And your driver's license was suspended for trying to hit that old man crossing the street." Matsuda pointed out as he took both hands off the steering wheel for a minute to snatch the map back.

Light growled and snatched at the map again. "The old bastard was moving negative three miles per _minute._ How long does it take an old codger to cross the damn street?"

That's when a new voice joined the mix. "Well, since I have an IQ superior to both of you two combined, how about pulling over and letting _me _drive?" L asked, sticking his head in between the two from the middle seat. "I think I'll manage not to hurt anyone. And still eat my doughnut at the same time."

"You don't have a license either, Mr. Chaperone. I don't want to die on a useless camping trip, so let's not let you behind the wheel of the car." Near piped up from the seat beside L. "Also it would be nice if you sat down. Your derriere is in my face."

Matsuda turned around in his seat while struggling with Light for the road map. "L, I told you no unknown objects in the car."

"Derriere means _Ass, _DUMB FUCK!" Mello shouted angrily from the very backseat of the BMW. "ARRRGGGHHH! What is the real reason I have to go on this damn trip? I mean really? The director says "quality team building exercise". I call _bullshit! Bullshit, I say!_"

"Stop using dirty words for poop in my car!" Matsuda said while shoving at Light. "It will soil her innocence."

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!" Light said tauntingly as he tried to take the road map again. "And the car is just a car, not a 'she'. I just hope you wreck the damn thing so we can go back home."

Then screaming started from the back seat of the car.

Near sighed dramatically and rubbed both hands over his albino face and silver hair. "Great, just great. Now you guys have woken up Matt. And he was sleeping peacefully after learning he wasn't going to have video games for two weeks. I'll have to give him another sedative."

Matt was gibbering away in the back seat shaking Mello back and forth. "I don't have my DS! I DON'T HAVE MY DS! How am I going to play Pokemon X &amp; Y! It'll get dusty! Or what happens if someone steals it while I'm gone!? WHAT HAPPENS THEN, HUH!?"

"Get the psycho off me, Near! Plunge the syringe into his shoulder already before I choke to death!" Mello cried, trying to peel Matt's clutching fingers from his neck.

Near was having trouble trying to locate the syringe and Mello's face was turning blue. L, deciding to take swift action, angled his body in the seat and kicked Matt in the back of the head. _Very hard. _"Ah, crisis averted. Now will everyone kindly shut up so I can eat my strawberry cake in peace?"

Light turned around a split second and took a look at the slumped figure in the back of the car. "L, did you just kill him? Dammit, I was going to do that! Stop taking my victims!"

"L, I told you no food in my Shelia! Toss it out!" Complained Matsuda worrying over the new interior.

"Matsuda, you are thoroughly insane if you think I'm throwing an eclair out the window."

"You just had a piece of cake! Where the hell did it go?" Light said turning around to look in the back of the car while wrestling Matsuda.

And the shouting, arguing, and random, unsettling arguments resumed until Matsuda shouted triumphantly, "FOUND IT! We're here! The Hanabi Campgrounds, home to the wildest fireworks party of the year! Come one, let's get out and set up- wait a minute, where the hell are you two going!"

Mello and Light were making a mad dash back to the highway. As Matsuda took after them and Near tended to a comatose Matt in the backseat, L got out of the car to stretch his legs while eating a candy bar.

_I have a bad feeling that this isn't going to turn out well..._

_~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~_

**_This is going to be great._**


	2. Pitching a Fit

After retrieving Light and Mello from their mad dash to the highway everyone had gathered around the dirt enclosing where they were going to set up camp. But the problem was: no one knew _how _to set up camp. Especially the tent and making fire.

Everybody spent the first few minutes staring at the pile of gear on the ground and glaring at each other. Then Matsuda decided to take charge, since no one else was going to say anything. "Okay everyone! Here's what we'll do: L, Near, and I will make the fire and cook some food while Mello, Matt, and Light pitch the deluxe tent for us to sleep in."

Mello snorted and said, "You make it sound like we're all going to sleep in the same place together. You better not be suggesting that. I need space when I sleep so I won't kill anybody."

"And I'm not a sound sleeper," said Near as he unpacked a Superman figure from his sports bag, "I tend to kick out periodically."

Their complaints went unheard as a loud, metallic clang resounded throughout the enclosure, making everyone jump a little. Apparently, Light didn't want to talk about sleeping arrangements, he just wanted to set the thing up and get the trip over with. Grumbling, he took a pipe and tried to fit it together with another pipe.

Sighing, Matt massaged his temples with the tips of his fingers. After just coming out of a comatose state he didn't feel like spending all day pitching a tent. "Come on Mello, let's help the Neanderthal pitch the tent so we can get out of here sooner. And back to technology."

While one group began the process of pitching the tent L, Matsuda, and Near started tossing around ideas about starting a fire. Well, Near and L tossed around ideas while Matsuda sat on the ground and rubbed two sticks together over a pile of wood.

"This is _foolproof! _All the cool survivalists do this on those nature shows. All it takes is a few...good...whew...tries and...gosh...*pant*...this is taking...really long..." Matsuda's arms were beginning to feel like lead as he rubbed the sticks together. "Whew, okay. I could have sworn I saw a little spark. Here L, you give it a go."

L looked at the two sticks for a moment, then looked at Matsuda. "You're an idiot. I can't believe you think we could start a fire like that. Be realistic, this isn't Tarzan."

Matsuda gave a strident frown and replied, "Well at least I'm coming up with something. You two haven't made a move to help. In fact, _you_ guys figure the actual firemaking, I'm going to go do more _useful _things and gather firewood." And with that Matsuda left Near and L staring at the pile of sticks on the ground.

Both were quiet for a few minutes before Near spoke up. "Wanna go borrow Mello's lighter from the SUV?"

"I already have it." L replied striking the top and bending down to light the fire. When it was nice and hot L heard a shout and a clang come from the direction of Light, Mello, and Matt. _Please don't let them be trying to kill each other... _

Unfortunately, L wish went unheeded as he turned around to see the three of them striking each other with the metal pipes. Mello was bleeding from a cut on his cheek, one cuff of Light's shorts were shredded, and Matt's T-shirt no longer had a bottom. Also, there were streams of loud profanity coming from their mouths.

"I already told you that the DAMN PIPE DOESN'T GO THERE!"

"You're right. It's going to go UP YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T QUIT HITTING ME."

"Has anyone bothered to read the _instruction manual? _You DUMB BASTARDS! _IT'S SITTING RIGHT THERE!_"

"Shut UP. I don't need a stupid manual! It's easy enough as long as this DUMB FUCK gets out of my way!"

"SHUT UP."

"YOU SHUT UP."

"NO, YOU SHUT UP."

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP."

"How about everyone shut up and act like civilized _Homo sapiens_." L added in as he and Near approached the site of the chaos. The three angry stooges stopped and glared as Near picked up the instruction manual and flipped through it.

After five minutes he closed the book and took the pipe that Matt was holding. "This one goes 12 ft. into the ground. The one Light's holding goes on top of this one. Mello, you're holding the one that will come later on so grab that one over there..."

Not knowing what else to do or say the three of them actually complied with the instructions while L lounged on a log and took out a KitKat. In roughly 30 minutes the tent was up and sturdy and the sun was retreating behind the trees. The enclosure was getting dark fast.

_Where was MATSUDA?_

**Still in the woods.**

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Oh my... That doesn't seem to bode well. And it's up to me to make it worse! XD I love my writing.**_


	3. Nature Walk

Night had fallen by the time L decided to call together a search for their Village Idiot. "Apparently Matsuda got lost in the woods 2 days ahead of schedule. I wasn't planning on losing him until Thursday, but you know idiots." L said with a shrug of his shoulders. "We're going hunting for him so grab a flashlight and a duffel bag."

No one made a move to do anything. Light and Mello sat scowling, Matt was staring at the campfire, and Near was pretending he didn't hear anyone. Nobody seemed interested in going to search for Matsuda and were very happy right where they were.

"Oh, come on. You guys are really going to let him die out there?" asked L, glancing at the faces around the orange glow of the campfire.

Near glanced up for a quick second to say, "Well, he's not really a valuable asset to the group. Shouldn't we just leave him where he is? No harm done." Matt nodded his head vehemently in agreement.

Light spoke up from where he was perched, "Damn right I'm letting him die out there! He's the one that got up and went into the woods knowing he had no sense of direction. Why should I get my ass up and get eaten by mosquitoes looking for the dumbass?"

"For once in my life I agree with Mr. I'mAGay here. Idiot gets lost, idiot gets eaten by a bear. Big whoop." Mello said as he kicked dirt into the fire, staring moodily.

"Don't call me "I'mAGay" or I'll kick your ass."

"It's your last name spelled backwards. Not my fault your parents hated you."

L held up his hands for silence then reached into his back pocket to pull out a Benjamin Franklin. "Whoever goes with me gets $100 scot-free, no take-backsies or nothing. Okay with that?" He waved the bill over everyone's head.

Instantly the Wammy House Trio was up and gathering flashlights and duffle bags to go search for Matsuda. A hundred dollars could probably get them a taxi out of this dump and back home. And if it could do that then they were all for it.

Except for Light. Who didn't move from his spot. "So? Big deal. You have a hundred bucks, I got money too, you know. See?" Light pulled out a wad of cash and waved it around. "I could make it rain if I wanted to."

Sighing L facepalmed himself. Taking a breath he looked at Light through his fingers. "First of all, don't ever say 'I could make it rain' _ever_ _again_. Second of all, we came in Matsuda's BMW, correct? He doesn't trust anyone with his car, right? So where do you think he'll have the keys? _On his body. _The only way to get out of here is to find him and get the car keys. Do you get it now?" L said slowly making a come-on gesture with his hands.

Light put his face in his hands for a few moments. Then said, "Fuck me" and got up to join the others.

* * *

Meanwhile Matsuda wasn't doing too bad at all. He gathered firewood for the first few hours then when the pile got too heavy to carry he set it down and went exploring. _I feel so connected with nature. Breathe that fresh forest air...and the gnat that just went up my nose...Ewww._

After staring at some strange flowers and trying unsuccessfully to scale a tree (which resulted in a scraped elbow) he wandered around the blackberry bushes. And that's when he saw it. Right there nuzzling it's nose in the bush.

A bear cub. A medium sized, very cute bear cub.

"WOW! You're so _kawaii!_" Matsuda yelled excitedly as walked around the cub who was oblivious to everything but the berries. "Can I pet you? Should I pet you? I'm going to pet you." He decided as he knelt down and gently touched it's tousled brown fur.

The bear glanced up at the humanoid. Then deciding that the IQ was low enough for him not to be a threat he nuzzled against his hand.

Though it could scarcely be seen because of the night, Matsuda wore a huge grin on his face. "You like me? Good, because you're gonna be my new friend and not those jerks at the campground. Know what I'm gonna name you? _Winnie. _As in Pooh, got it?"

Apparently the bear got it because when Matsuda got up the bear followed eagerly behind him. So happy was he to have a friend Matsuda was thrilled to see another animal up ahead of him. This one was a doe.

"Another one? I must be Nature Man! Come here, girl. That's right. I'll call you Bambi." Matsuda said kindly as the doe edged towards him.

Then disaster struck.

Winnie lunged. Not at Matsuda, but at Bambi. And tore her to shreds.

"AAAIIIEEE! BAMBI! NO! Bad Winnie! Very bad Winnie! You do NOT eat your woodland friends! Do you hear me Mister?"

Winnie looked from his dinner at the annoying, shouting humanoid. He was making his head hurt with all the nonsense he was spouting. Time to make him shut up already. Winnie started advancing on Matsuda, teeth bared with a sinister growl deep in his throat.

Matsuda instantly stopped yelling and started backing up. "Nice bear cub, very nice bear cub. Don't you think you should finish that? It's insulting to Mother Nature to let good food go to waste-"

Winnie charged forward.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**I had to put a bear in it, I HAD to. XD **_


	4. Exit Stage Left

**_A nice little teaser chapter, before the long stuff._**

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Full night had come over the forest and the campers were still trekking through the forest looking for their Lost Lassie. Or rather some seemed to be actually looking. Light and Mello were just shining their flashlights around aimlessly hoping Matsuda would crash through the trees.

"In order to find someone you have to _look._ I don't think you're doing a very good job of that." Near said to Mello as he slapped the flashlight from his face for the tenth time. "If you're just going to shine the light into my eyes then shut it off. Your wasting batteries."

"Nyah, Nyah, Nyah. I just want to get back. Honestly, I don't care what happens to the idiot. I already bet Satan over there that he got eaten by a bear. $50 heading my way once we find the body." said Mello as he waved the Light in Matt's face annoyingly.

Light shined his light on Mello. "You mean $50 coming _my _way. It's more likely he fell off the side of a cliff. He hardly ever watches where he's going. And it's stupid to say that he'll get abducted by aliens..."

Matt pouted, "It could be true! You know in forests like this that alien ships land and try to steal humans. It could happen any moment know."

"You've forgotten one thing: I don't think Matsuda's human. Neither is our ring leader for that matter." Near said blatantly so that L (who was at the front of the group) could hear.

L glanced back for a few seconds, then resumed shining his light around and calling Matsuda's name every now and again. "Here Matsui, Matsui, Matsui! Come out of the tree you're hiding in and get back to camp! Everyone's worried sick!"

"The hell I am."

"Fuck that."

"No I'm not."

"Whatever."

_I'm not really worried either but that's not going to make him come out any faster. _L thought as he continued to shine the light around. _I sincerely hope he got abducted by aliens, then at least he'd be among his own kind and not mauled by a bear..._

Suddenly a noise broke L out of his thoughts. Rustling, in the bushes yonder. The group froze and trained their lights on the same bush directly to the right of them. And waited tensely. Maybe the search was over and they could all get back to camp.

And the search was over.

Matsuda came shooting out of the bushes, arms and legs scraped and twigs in his hair. He knocked into Light, knocking both of them off their feet and into Matt, who squealed as he was trapped under two grown men.

"GET OFF, GET OFF! Help, suffocating! Help, help!" Matt shouted as he thrashed around on the ground.

Light roughly shoved Matsuda off of him and got to his feet. "About time we find you dumbass. How long were you going to pretend to be Robin Hood and get eaten by mosquitoes? Let's head back now L, I don't want to spend another minute out here."

But L was helping the scattered Matsuda off the ground. "Matsuda? Matsuda, what's wrong? You look even more spastic than usual. Come on, speak. I can't get you to shut up on most days."

Matsuda seemed dazed, then as he looked at the group around him a spark came back into his eyes. "L! Light! Little devil children! We have to GO RIGHT NOW! Before we DIE! COME ON! I DON'T WANNA DIIIIIIEEEE!"

"What the hell is he going on about?!" Mello said already fed up with finding him. "Go get lost again."

But L was again calming Matsuda down. "Breathe, okay? Now, why do we need to run or die? Scared of the black shape on the ground? That's your shadow."

Matsuda slapped L's hands away fiercely and shouted, "BECAUSE OF THE DAMN_ BEAR!_"

Enter bear stage right. Exit people stage left.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Annoying Author Comment but PLEASE REVIEW! _**

**_Don't you love me? I'm perfectly lovable. _**


	5. Run! Scatter! Confusion!

Pure chaos has began. No one can see anything or anyone. Scattered dialogue, nobody knows who's speaking half the time. Everyone's concerned only with getting away from Winnie and not being eaten alive.

"Is everyone still together?!"

"Um, I don't know. Concentrating on running here."

"I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die!"

_**THUD**_

"Light just fell down back there! Shouldn't we stop?"

"NO! He's gonna get eaten and I don't care!"

_**THUD**_

"Karma's a bitch isn't it, Mello?"

"Has anyone seen the bear?"

"It's too dark, AAAAHHHHH! THERE IT IS!"

"It's a damn bush, Matsuda!"

"I think Light's back with us now."

"_What the fuck was that!? _You all were going to leave me to _die?!_"

"Pretty much."

"You could keep the bear busy."

"FUCK YOU!"

_**THWACK!**_

"HAHAHAHA! Smart-ass just got knocked by a tree branch!"

"I sincerely hope you die tonight Mello."

"Who's seen the bear!?"

"Don't point at another bush, Matsuda."

"Okay, I won't-OH MY GOD!"

_**RRRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRR!**_

"It's got the idiot!"

"Too bad, I wanna live! Run faster!"

_**RIP!**_

"His shirt tore! I think he's catching back up to us."

"You guys are mean!"

"It's all in human nature."

"Does anyone hear water?"

_**GROWL! RAWR!**_

"All I hear is the fucking bear!"

"Wait, wait, wait!"

"I really hear water now."

"EVERYONE STOP NOW!"

"And get eaten? NO WAY!"

"I didn't even pass level 550 on Asteroids."

"STOP NOW!"

"You're trying to get us killed!"

"WATER!?"

"Maybe it's a river! We could cross it and get away!"

"That's not a river!"

"Holy shit..."

"What do we do?"

"Well we can stop running and die or keep running and die. Pretty simple."

"Let's just take a chance. Everyone grab hands."

"I don't know where their hands been! That's unsanitary."

"Just grab or you can die alone!"

"Alright, alright!"

"Everyone linked? Okay, JUMP NOW!"

"_**AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Ah, nothing like a waterfall... I wonder who can't swim?_**


	6. Going With the Flow (and Drowning)

The tumble down the waterfall only lasted ten seconds until the group smashed into the rapids with enough force to break some limbs. There wasn't even enough time to come up for a breath of air before the rapids started forcing them downstream.

L pushed his head up for a split second to gulp some air before going back under. Unfortunately for all his intelligence he never learned how to swim. It was a struggle just to keep his head above water to call roll. Sputtering he yelled, "Guys! Let me know you're still living!"

Just then a hand came by and knocked him dead-center in his forehead. L slumped a little bit, an unconscious weight in the water.

"GAAAHHH! LEGGO OF ME! I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITH YOU! DON'T GRAB THERE!" Light shouted flailing in the water and waving his fists in the air (the ones that hit L on accident). Attached to Light was Mello who was holding on for dear life.

"NO WAY! I'm not drowning when someone is floating right next to me! Stop floundering and swim!" Mello screamed in Light's ear as he gripped his waist.

"I don't know how to swim either! Get off and fend for yourself, Asshole!"

"You're the asshole!"

Suddenly another figure latched itself onto Mello's arm and stuck tight. It was sobbing maniacally and digging its nails into the flesh of Mello's forearm. "DON'T LET ME DIE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG! TOOOO YOOOUNG!"

Mello started to beat on the figure, trying to pry the nails lose. "Dammit Matt! Go get someone else to die with you! I don't have time for this, I need to survive."

Still sobbing, Matt replied, "But what about the friendship that we've developed?"

"FUCK FRIENDSHIP!"

Light was busy trying to keep afloat with two other leeches attached to him when he saw a peculiar sight. It was Near. And he seemed to be skimming on top of the water! "THE FU- How's he doing that!?"

Near heard the voices and looked over to see the three floundering in the rapid flush. "Oh hello there. It seems you two didn't pick the person who could swim to attach to. Right, Matsuda?"

_Matsuda? What is he talking about-? _Light thought frantically then remembered Matsuda. The marriage vacation. Misa's speedboat. MATSUDA THE MARLIN.

And just as he suspected he peered closely at the shape that was carrying Near. And Matsuda was beneath him swimming like a dolphin, his body skimming the rapids without even having to move his arms, only his legs.

Matsuda glanced around and saw that almost everyone was together. "Hey, you three! Latch onto Near and I can swim everyone to shore! And don't thrash, that makes it harder for me to swim."

Light, Mello, and Matt grabbed onto Near while Matsuda began to swim for the bank. There was a large, flat rock on the edge of the bank that they all climbed onto and crawled toward the forest edge. Breathing heavily, Near was the first one to catch on to L's disappearance. "Hey! I think L still may be in the river!"

"Too bad!" Light and Mello shouted together and continued to ring out their shirts.

Matsuda hopped back on the flat rock and scanned the turbulent surface for any sight of L. "There! I see him! Hold on, buddy! I'm coming for ya!"He yelled as swan-dived back into the roaring rapids and disappeared under the waves.

"Whoa! This is like an action movie! Kinda cool!" Matt said as he watched Matsuda struggle with a prone L back to the shore. "Honestly, I would have let him drown."

Coughing, both L and Matsuda rolled onto the dirt and heaved sighs of relief.

"You didn't drown me...I find that intriguing...and nice. Thank you." L said to Matsuda.

"No problem. Now, can anyone tell me where we _ARE?_"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Give a big thank you to Matsuda for saving everyone's ass. Too bad they're far from civilization with no food and clean water...**_

_**Thanks to the people still out there keeping up! And maybe, *ahem*, you know, um, REVIEWING once in awhile. Not that I'm complaining. :D **_


	7. No, I'M the Leader!

_**Sakuchi-san's back in action! Computer is off life support and the fanfics are back on. **_

_**Thanks to the people who still followed me through my absence and all. *sniff* I'm not crying...so don't think that.**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

After a few hours of panicking and shouting from Matsuda, profanity from Mello and Light, silent thought from L and Near, and a complete hysterical fit from Matt, everyone was ready to calmly argue out a plan of survival.

"Matsuda, if you don't get off of me, I'll hurt you..._badly._" Light threatened as he tried to pry Matsuda from around his waist. "Plus, you're still drenched!"

Teeth chattering and body shivering Matsuda only clung harder. "B-b-but you're w-w-wa-warm and I'm c-c-c-c-c-c-"

"SCREW OFF!"

While Light and Matsuda did an odd tango by the river L addressed the rest of the group with his game plan.

"Well, first off we're going to need some type of shelter or we're lunch for the mosquitoes out here," L said while surveying the scene around them, "Probably better if we stay by the river for fresh water. Also, we'll need food so you two and Near will scout out for some while Matsuda, Light, and I stay and make shelter."

"Hold up! Who made Diabetes Dumbass leader? Last time I checked there's a FUCKING BEAR IN THE WOODS. You get your ass chewed up, I'm staying." Mello protested, picking a tree to stand firmly against.

Matt's left eye was twitching wildly. "Not going. Not going. No. Not. Not going."

Rubbing the ridge of his nose L turned to Near. "Please convince them to go get the food. We'll starve if they are going to decide to be jackasses."

Still steadily ringing out the rest of the water in his t-shirt Near considered this notion. "I think I'm actually with Mello here. I mean, who did elect _you _leader? I'm sure you've never been out of the city in your life so you are not the best choice."

L ground his teeth together quietly. "I. Am. The leader. End of story. I may not have actual experience, but I have completed scenarios with Watari. You, on the other hand, have also been sheltered and not to mention coddled. You have almost zero knowledge of the outdoors."

Near pressed his lips together into a thin line. "Why don't we take a vote?" he said stiffly, "Who wants the almighty _L _as leader?"

Of course L raised his hand and Matsuda loosened his grip on Light to raise his. Light quickly shoved him to the ground and started to ponder his vote. "Honestly, I like Candy Ass as much as the Village Idiot here, but between him and Albino Ass I'll give my vote to L."

"I guess I should thank you for that...if I can figure out how without cursing..." L said glaring at Light. Turning back to the matter at hand he said, "Okay, there's my votes. Who wants our outstanding _young _Near to be in charge?"

Near's hand shot up for himself and Mello raised his hand only to spite L. Matt was still in a rigor mortis state and continued to stare straight ahead.

Soothingly Near patted Matt on top of his head. "Hey buddy. If you raise your hand right now I promise we won't have to go in the woods. Alright?"

Matt's hand shoots into the air.

Getting steadily annoyed L said, "Well, looks like a draw. So, as default oldest gets to be leader. I win! Now go get the food."

"Actually," Near said, equally annoyed, "A young person like myself would be more reliable not to kill over if struck with disease and also I'm more imaginative as to think of solutions to this problem."

Both of them looked ready to brawl and Light and Mello took up seats on the flat rocks to make bets.

"Albino's going to get tossed in the river."

"Not if Diabetes has a heart attack."

But before anyone could throw a punch Matsuda spoke up. "How about both of you be the leader! Then there can be peaceful compromise and no fighting. Then we could all, you know, _survive and not die_. Okay?"

Still glaring at each other L and Near eased the tension out of their shoulders. Then, with lightning speed, both of them shouted, "I EXILE YOU TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WOODS!"

"I exiled you first."

"No, you didn't. I exiled you first."

"No, I exiled _you_ first."

"We could fight if you want. I know tae kwon do."

"So, Shorty? And I know Capoeira. Plus, I have long legs."

"_DON'T CALL ME SHORTY!_"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Fight! Cool, just don't roll back into the river...**_


	8. Snakes, Poison Leaves, and Short Shorts

It took over 45 minutes to pry L and Near apart and by that time both had bloody noses and a tooth or two missing. Eventually it was decided that no one would be the leader and that anyone who had an idea could speak up at will. Even if that meant listening to Matsuda.

It was already morning and the group had elected to build shelter first then forage for food. Since their furbished deluxe tent was somewhere up stream being scavenged by squirrels, they set out to gather sticks and leaves for a lean-to.

"Oh God, is that a snake?! I _hate _snakes, let me hide behind you Near." Matt shouted as he stumbled toward Near, who was busy gathering branches for the lean-to. Apparently everything in the woods seemed to be a snake.

"Matt, I told you. That's a stick."Said Near as he tried to balance the branches he picked up with Matt around his neck. "You are strangling me. Let go and grab some sticks."

"O-okay. Sticks. I can gather sticks, no problem whatsoever-AHHH SNAKE!"

"IT'S A DAMN STICK!"

* * *

A few yards away L was climbing a giant oak to gain a vantage point on the forest. He thought that if they continued to follow the river north there may be a small town where they could call for Watari to pick them up. But that was only if he could climb the tree...

L was pondering over a situation he had never had before: squirrels. Lots of them. Blocking his way up the tree. Very hostile. With acorns. He had tried reason and got pelted by nuts. He had tried talking and got pelted by nuts. Now it was time for straight force and whether the squirrels liked it or not he was getting up that tree.

"Alright, you furry miscreants. I've tried negotiation and you refuse to budge. Now I will try hostile takeover." L proclaimed as he backed up to get a running start. He sprinted toward the tree and took a flying leap catching a low branch. Then he proceeded to climb like hell as the squirrels renewed their attack. That climb would have been a success if an acorn didn't lodge itself in his nose and made him lose his grip.

He fell ten feet to the ground with a loud tearing sound. His pants had just became shorts. Very, very, short shorts.

"How unfortunate."

* * *

Across the way from the savage squirrel tree Matsuda was busy gathering leaves and more branches for their slapstick lean-to. Whistling happily to himself he thought, _Boy, am I lucky I was part of Boy Scouts. I know exactly how to make a lean-to and which leaves make the greatest cover for it._ While gathering leaves he happened upon Light just coming out from behind a bush.

Waving ecstatically he called, "Nothing like doing your business in the fresh air of the woods, eh Light?"

Light shot a glare full of daggers his way. "Don't make me murder you in the most painful way possible. I'll make sure you feel every bit of it, including my foot so far up your ass that-"

"LIGHT! You didn't use _those _leaves to, you know, _wipe_? Did you?" Matsuda asked tensely, not daring to step over to the bush in question.

"So what if I did? I can't wipe my own ass?"

"I don't like your language. And also...that was poison ivy."

"P-p-p-poison ivy? You're serious?"

"As a heart attack."

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!"

Just then Mello appeared on the other side of Matsuda with a hand full of leaves. "I gathered leaves for the lean-to, Pops. I used a few of them to wipe though so if there isn't enough get the rest yourself."

"I wouldn't want to get those. Or use them for the lean-to."

"And why the hell not?!"

"Because that's poison oak."

"SHIT."

Sighing heavily, Matsuda continued to gather the leaves and sticks himself while Light and Mello cursed and danced around. Along the way back to the clearing by the river he saw Matt practically on top of Nears shoulders screaming while Near yelled at him to get off. Coming back into the clearing he saw that L had on disturbingly short shorts.

"Um, L? What-"

"Don't. Ask. Let's just build the lean-to. It's getting drafty."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**If L's short shorts don't get a comment, I don't know what will.**_


	9. The Campers Vs The Squirrels

Despite the serious cases of poison ivy, paranoia, and short shorts the group finally managed to get the lean-to erected. By that time it was high noon and they were all hungry as hell and couldn't' wait to find some food, even if it meant moving around in pain for Light and Mello.

Having finally pried loose of Matt Near approached Matsuda and said, "Since you're the one with prior Boy Scout knowledge I expect you know what is food in these woods and what is not. Think we can find something in here?"

"Um, this forest has plenty of mushrooms and other fungi which is edible. Just don't pick up anything without telling me about or you might just die. Lots of poisonous things out here. And maybe some roots and bugs would taste good-"

"I draw the line at eating bugs. I'm not that hungry." Mello said from where he was crouched over painfully, standing next to Light who was in the same position.

L was staring at both of them with his hands in front of his mouth trying in vain not to laugh. "You look like you have hemorrhoids. I didn't know it occurred in people so y-young-HAHAHAHAHA!"

"I WILL STRANGLE YOU." Mello threatened darkly, but could only walk very stiffly in his direction. "Stop laughing,!"

"Keep laughing, fashion reject. Come night at least I'll be in full coverage and not shivering in the cold because of my fashion malfunction. Though I have to say it looks good on you, except for the pasty legs." Light sniped at L as he tried to stand up straight and follow Matsuda and Near into the forest.

Still making quips at each other the rest of them followed Matsuda in search of food with Matt bringing up the rear. They scoured for what seemed like hours until they came upon a tree that had almost everything at once under it. Edible mushrooms and flowers, nutritious roots, even a berry bush.

"Woot, jackpot! Come on everyone, there's enough to go around and maybe we can roast some of the roots in a fire when we go back to the lean-to." Matsuda said happily as he began to gather handfuls of the stuff.

Everyone began to fill their arms, except for L who was staring up into the tree branches.

"What's up Short-shorts? Can't move to help?" Smirked Near as he loaded up on mushrooms.

"squirrels." L muttered quietly.

"What did you say?"

"I said, SQUIRRELS!"

Suddenly a hail of acorns began to rain down on the heads of the campers below. Matt took off like a startled deer into the woods. Matsuda was cowering with his arms over his head, not able to see where to go in the volley of nuts. Near was trying to save the stash of edible mushrooms he gathered to no avail since the acorns just obliterated them in his arms. Light had lifted up Mello and was using him as a human shield.

"Put me down you _MOTHERFUCKER!_" Mello shouted as he struggled in Light's arms. He opened his mouth to say something else when three acorns launched themselves down his throat. Now Light had to lower his shield to do the Heimlich maneuver while getting pelted with acorns.

But L was the only one not panicking. In fact he was throwing the nuts back at the squirrels. And hitting them with stunning accuracy. Squirrels were getting stunned left and right with bullet strikes from L's lithe arms. "I. CAN'T. STAND. SQUIRRELS!"

Taking their cue from L, the others started returning fire to the squirrels above. But there was so many of them. Every time one retreated another came to take its place and the acorns from above never slowed down. After a rapid ten minutes the campers abandoned the fight (and their food) and ran back toward the riverside to the lean-to.

When everyone came back they saw Matt sitting by a small fire with something silver glimmering beside it. He looked up at the approaching group with the first real smile he'd shown on his face since this disaster started.

Picking up the glimmering thing he ran to the others excitedly. "Hey guys! Get a load of this thing!" He held up a gigantic bass, it's fins still moving slightly. "This could feed everyone and maybe even provide seconds!"

"Finally you do something productive! That's my Scaredy-Cat!" Mello said, cracking his own smile and giving Matt a thump on his shoulder. L and Near gave their congratulations as well and Light grudgingly gave a small thank you. But Matsuda was looking at the fish wearily.

"Where'd you get that fish, Matt?"

"Oh, further down the river just out of sight of the camp."

"What did you use to fish for it?"

"Nothing. It was just lying there. Why?"

By this time the others were beginning to get the full picture and was backing away slowly.

"Why? What's wrong? It's fish, isn't it?" Matt said wonderingly, still holding it up. "You guys don't like fish?"

"It's not that we don't like fish, but something else may like fish even more-"

"RRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRR!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Come to me Winnie! Come to me! He misses Matsuda.**_


	10. Let the Fish Go Or Die

Just like humans, bears don't take highly to people who steal. Especially food. That makes them angry. And hungry. For campers.

RRRAAAAWWWWRRRR!

Even though it was just a few days Winnie had grown exponentially larger and wider. And meaner. The bear was blocking the only clear shot the group had to get into the forest. He was baring his teeth and growling loud enough to drown out the birds. But his eyes were on one thing: the fish.

"_Throw it back, throw it back, THROW IT BACK!" _Near cried hysterically, waving his arms in a tossing motion toward the river. He had kept Matt sane throughout this entire trip and that wasn't about to be spoiled by him being eaten. "THROW IT BACK!"

The rest of them had backed toward the river so that Matt was the only one standing in the middle of the clearing holding the still wriggling bass. The appearance of the bear had froze him to the spot and he was scared shitless to move. By reflex, he was gripping the fish tighter than letting it go.

Now Matsuda was trying to give him tips. None that were very helpful. "Play dead! He'll leave you alone. Or maybe you could roar back. Yeah, do that! Intimidate him and he'll run away." Seeing that Matt wasn't taking any of his useless tips he switched tactics. "Winnie, I command you not to eat him. _Listen to your father!_"

Winnie took one look at Matsuda and yawned. He wasn't interested in whatever it was that was yelling at it. He just wanted his damn food back. And the other thing had it. Slowly, Winnie started to stalk toward Matt.

The rest of the group was yelling at Matt to drop the fish and start running. Except for Light. He was scheming again weighing a human life against his own needs. Of course he chose his own needs. "Don't toss it back! Keep it and run into the forest!"

Every paused and stared at Light with narrow stares. L, in his short shorts, skirted the edge of the clearing to where Light was and hoisted him up by the collar of his shirt.

"What the _fuck _are you _saying_?!"

"We need to eat _something! _That's food he's got there. All he has to do is outrun the bear and bring it back around."

"You say that like you're the one who's ass isn't on the menu."

"I'm sure with his fear he'll be able to outsprint it."

"With his fear he's shitting his pants. Stop being an ass."

"You're an ass."

"No, you're an ass."

"You all are ASSES!" Near broke in between the two. "He's gonna get eaten in 15 seconds if we don't do something and fast." He said as he paced the edge of the clearing toward Melo who was closer to the forest. "What about you? Have you figured out anything?"

Mello was studying the encounter with intense concentration. He shot a glance at Near, then at Matt standing frozen with the stolen fish in his hands, then to the angry bear that was going to eat him.

"So? Any ideas? Please tell me you have a good one." Near begged as he saw the bear close the 20 foot gap to 10 feet. "Mello? Say something, dammit!"

"I'm trying to decide whether I can live without Matt at Wammy House for that fish. It's a very complicated decision because I get to eat but I won't have anyone to bully when we get home. Or buy me snacks...but I get to eat now...This is tougher than I thought."

Near groaned is dismay and grabbed at his hair. "Matsuda! Can't believe I'm saying this but please do something or Matt's gonna DIE!"

"Working on it! Just a second, just have to find a bigger stone." Scouring the ground he found a good chunk of rock and hefted it behind his head. "Now for a clear shot." Aiming carefully, he lobbed the rock directly at the back of Matt's head.

The rock made a dull thunking sound and Matt's hands instantly went to his head. "OOOOOWWWW! Was that a rock?! _That was a rock! MY GOD IT HURTS!" _

Good news: Matt's paralysis was broken.

More good news: He dropped the fish.

Even more good news: The bear has stopped advancing.

Bad news that outweighs the all the good: The fish (still alive) flops back into the river and swims away.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**I love making chaos. **__**Wonder if anyone is gonna die?**_


	11. Herded

_**Sorry for the long update...blame my 4 hour sleeping habit...**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Once again the unfortunate set of campers were abandoning their newly cleared camp., fleeing from a bear named Winnie who has a penchant more for human flesh than honey. This time the group ran through the forest parallel to the river hoping not to lose sight of their source of fresh water. The bear ran after them at full tilt roaring for blood.

"I say we feed it Matt! This is all his fault since he took the damn bass in the first place." Light said as he tried his best to keep up with the fleeing group with his newfound rash chaffing him all the way.

After all Near's hard work at coddling Matt he had reverted back to his hysterical video game withdrawn state. "Don't feed it me! Don't feed it me! I just found the fish and we needed food and I wanted to do something and...can't we just feed it Mello?"

"_You little fucker._ If my ass wasn't all messed up then I'll kick yours." Mello sneered as he hobbled to pull ahead of Light and not be the last one closest to the bear. "Besides, I'm a valuable member of the group and you all can't risk me getting eaten. I'm just that important."

Winnie snarled and tried to swipe at the back of Mello's leg. He missed by just a few inches.

"Just wait until I come back from civilization! I'll kill you and make bear steaks!"

_RRRRRAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR! _

Matt gave a shrill, high-pitched scream and poured on more steam to pass Light and Mello. "Please don't eat me, bear! If it's any compensation I think Light may taste like a catfish or something."

At the front of the pack was L, Matsuda, and Near sprinting wildly trying to spot some kind of cave or cove for them to hide in. So far the only thing that had made itself available was a fox den that was already occupied by foxes that probably had rabies.

Matsuda and L ran side by side, hardly out of breath because of the long strides they were taking. Of course Matsuda still tried to talk sense into Winnie through some strange notion that he was his father, but the bear wasn't having it.

Still pumping his arms Matsuda sighed, "Children, what are you going to do with them when they try to eat you?"

Near gave Matsuda a look that said 'holy hell he's lost his mind'. "I think the oxygen that's going to your muscles right now to allow you to sprint is leaving from your brain."

"I have to rebuttal." L cut in, his bare legs cutting through the air in his short shorts. "He has no brain to draw oxygen from."

"Hey L, did you know that you have the legs of a marathon runner? I never noticed since you always wore pants." Matsuda said for no apparent reason at all.

A sudden scream and a tearing sound came from Light and L looked behind him to see the that Winnie had taken half of his t-shirt.

L gave Matsuda a well aimed kick in the ass to get him moving faster. "This is neither the time nor the place, but I do appreciate the mention."

Near was analyzing the trees and bushes as he ran, hoping to spot some kind of hiding place. But something wasn't right. The trees were all slashed with deep claw marks and the underbrush was trampled. Not many animal dens were in the area either. In fact, the area seemed _too _remote.

"You guys...I think we need to change course. And I mean, right now! This doesn't bode well with me." Near said nervously as he tried to get everybody to follow him. No one would because they were busy trying not to get caught by Winnie the Mauler.

Then Winnie stopped. Sat on his haunches and watched as the group pulled farther away from him.

Mello looked behind him to see if the bear was faking it, but it didn't try to get up and resume its chase. "HA! HAHAHAHA! You tired fat ass? Go eat some honey!"

Everyone else heard Mello's taunt and turned around to see that he was right. Winnie still hadn't moved from the spot he plopped down in. All of them continued to run until they weren't able to see the bear any longer. After a few more yards they stopped in a grassy clearing and caught their breath.

"We, we, oh my god we got away we got away oh my god god we're alive alive ALIVE!" Matt yelled as he started jumping up and down and hooting like a madman. The rest of them followed suit and screamed while pumping their fists victoriously. All except Near.

"Sorry to put a damper on your celebration, but we should have let Winnie eat us." Near said as he sat down heavily in the grass and put his head in his hands. "I give up. Truly give up."

Matsuda came over and hoisted Near on his feet to swing him around in a circle. "What are you saying! We're alive and not missing chunks of meat off our bones. That's cause for celebration, right?"

A bark from the underbrush said otherwise. Around the edges of the clearing, four-legged shapes were slowly stalking forward. Each of them had their teeth bared and were growling noisily. One of the bigger shapes howled which was followed by the ragged sound of panting.

Wolves. A whole pack of them.


	12. Human Air Raid Siren

The wolves gathered around the pile of campers, jaws foaming. All they saw were life-size pieces of Beggin' Bacon. That were literally begging for their lives. The pack leader was slowly leading her team in a pincer circle, closing off any path of escape.

"Aww, come on! Is this really happening? If we would have just fed Matt to the damn bear then we wouldn't be herded in a circle of hungry mutts!" Light exclaimed waving his hands at the pack in front of him.

L scratched the multiple bug bites on his legs. They were puffy and swollen so there was a slight chance that the wolves may not find him appetizing. That was until one of the wolves jumped and tried to take a hunk out of his thigh. He quickly backpeddled knocking into Light, who was still ranting.

"Light, while we are making final confessions I would like to say that you are one of the only people who I consider as even marginally close to the same level of intelligence as me. Though it is still very below mine, I could see that you actually try," L said in a solemn tone.

Turning around, Light kicked L in the shin. "For all its worth, I hate every single one of you here."

"Love you too, buddy."

On the other hand, Mello wasn't going to give up without insulting the beasts that were going to devour him. "You all look like you need to eat anyways, you skinny bastards!" And you over there, your mom was a BITCH! To the rest of you, I hope when you eat me you get the shits!"

True to the Boy Scout oath, Matsuda wasn't going to give up easily and was trying to ward the wolves away from them with a large stick. "Bad dogs, bad dogs!" He called yelling at the three wolves that were trying to eat Light and L (without their realizing, they were arguing still). One lashed out and Matsuda hit it square in the jaw, which only made it madder. "You guys are mean! How are you related to Lassie the Wonder Dog in any way!"

Near had given up and was sitting next to Matt trying to calm him down the best he could in the final moments. "Shush, it'll be quick, alright? I doubt you'll feel anything at all." He petted Matt like a small kitten while he sniffled. "Hey, bet there's a PS4 in heaven."

"There is no God, is there? What kind of God lets innocent people get eaten by _wolves_!?" Matt yelled, tearing at his hair and curling into a tighter ball. "If there was one the He wouldn't have a PS4, He'll have a Xbox 1 just because he hates me!"

The pack leader was now closing in on the two boys. She was the biggest one, about the size of a German Shepard. Baring her teeth she snarled and crouched. Matt was firmly fixed in her sight and he was the one that was going to get eaten first.

All in the same moment, the wolf pounced and Matt let out a bloodcurdling scream. Everyone had froze and all their eyes were closed. But there wasn't the sound of crunching bones or splattering blood. Not even coughing as a wolf choked on Matt's glasses.

Matsuda hazarded a peek through his fingers to see who had died...which was no one. All of them were in one piece, no missing limbs. He fully uncovered his eyes to see that most of the wolves had backed off, surprisingly the pack leader too.

"You guys, we're not dead." He whispered to Light and L who were hugging each other tightly still thinking they were going to get eaten. "Hey, guys! Stop hugging, I think Matt's scream scared them."

L opened his eyes, shoved Light away from him, and examined the wolves around them. They were in fact eyeing them very warily, not sure whether to approach or retreat. "Intriguing. Someone get him to do it again."

Overhearing the conversation Mello eased over to Matt and grabbed a fistfull of his hair. In his ear he whispered, "When wolves eat people they start with your-"

Matt's wail drowned out the rest and the wolves scattered closer to the bushes. Now their tails were down and they were whining.

Brightening instantly Near pulled Matt up onto his feet. "Matt, your scream keeps them away. We could still get out of here!"

"That's nice, but my throat is starting to hurt-"

"_Scream, you little __bitch or I'll feed you to them!_" Light threatened, reaching for Matt and lifting him in the air.

He lead everyone out of the horde of wolves with Matt over his head like an air raid siren. Behind them the wolves were howling along.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Your last chapter awaits you..._**


	13. Camper Madness

Just because they all got away from the wolves didn't mean that their luck changed. In fact, it got worse. Besides the river bed they lodged next to earlier, no one could find another spot to set up camp. Leaves and tree limbs were the only beds they could scrape together. Water came from tree dew, often times with bugs in it. Most of their food was treebark at the suggestion of Matsuda.

If someone from the outside were to come across them they wouldn't be recognizable as civilized beings. Near, Matt, and Mello looked like the NeverLand kids on crack: wide eyes, broken nails, dirty hair, and torn clothes. Matt could only squeak after being used as a wolf siren while Near and Mello refused to talk, Near out of melancholy and Mello out of spite. Along the way Mello had lost his shoes and took it upon himself to take Matt's.

The adults were worse. L's legs were a red and blotchy mess from various bug bites and he only made it worse by scratching them against his better judgement. His hair had grown at a gravity defying angle that made him look like a crackpot Dragonball character. Matsuda's hair was past his shoulders and his beard grew in curly. Despite the new muscles he had from running everywhere he had a severe case of sunburn that made him wince every step he took.

Light was in a group all his own. His hair had grown and clumped together in matted patches. Looking closely at it you could tell that it probably had small parasites roosting in it. The beard was wildly long and frizzy, a jacked rendition of Santa Claus. And he'd taken to walking with a stick so that he could hit anyone that got close to him. He grunted instead of using words, not bothering to insult L anymore.

After trekking a few more miles the group found a ring of bushes to explore. Matsuda called for the others to spread out and scout for any nuts or fruits. Moaning and complaining they did so, if only to keep from eating treebark. They scavenged for hours without so much as a single mushroom or berry to be seen. Matsuda was thoroughly determined to find fruits to eat, but L had given up and proclaimed that they hunt squirrels.

"You only want to hunt squirrels because you have a vendetta against them." Matsuda said as he whacked bushes aside with a giant stick.

"Squirrels are the epiphany of evil. I think they should be wiped from the Earth by the hundreds." L groused. His legs burned horribly and he was trying not to scratch...and failing. "Besides, I'm tired of eating treebark that has worms in it."

"How about we eat butterflies? The colors may mean that they taste good." Mello suggested.

"No, that means they're poisonous." Near told Mello as he dug into a large bush. "We're trying not to die, remember?"

"Ugg, wugg, nugg, ug." Light grumbled to no one in particular.

"See? He wants to kill squirrels. Let's do that." L said dodging Light's stick.

Sighing heavily Matsuda said, "Fine. Go hunt whatever you like and I'll scout ahead for more-where the hell is Matt?"

"Probably dead. We can eat him if we find the body."

"Mello, stop proposing cannibalism." Near said thwacking him upside the ear with a large stick. "Besides, we all voted while you were sleep and we're eating you if we're on the verge of death-"

Just then a voice rose over the horizon in bloodcurdling anger. Apparently Light was talking English again. And what he had to say brought everyone running.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU FOUND _FOOD! _AND DIDN'T LET ME KNOW!? _I'LL MURDER YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKER. _GIVE ME THOSE BERRIES RIGHT NOW!"

Pushing aside bushes, Matsuda stepped into the coven where Light was. And froze with his mouth open. Berries, they were _everywhere. _Giant, purple-yellow berries the size of his fist. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Matt down on his knees stuffing his face with them. Light had given up his tirade to possess his own bush and growled when Matsuda came near.

He desperately wanted to join in, but he hesitated. He's seen these berries somewhere. And they didn't sit well with him. That was until L, Near, and Mello rushed past him and claimed their own bushes. Matsuda's brain tried to battle against his stomach and lost miserably.

"These are the best things I've EVER eaten! This can only get better if-WOW! Is that a PS4? IT IS. _Must. Play. NOW._" Still eating, Matt grabbed a stick and began jabbing it into the ground repeatedly, making weird buzzing and bleeping noises with his mouth, laughing maniacally.

Across the way Matsuda was throwing rocks in various directions. "Go Pokeball! Capture the Lucario! For I am THE GREATEST POKEMON MASTER THAT EVER LIVED! Eat it Ash! NOW ENTEI, AWWAAAAY! To the factory!"

"Yes, Mr. Preshident. I would gladly luv to press the big red button...Annihilate all living beans? Why sure..._I AM GOD. _Bow so you may pledge allegiance to LIGHT THE MIGHTY. Huh, whattadoya mean I have to make candy?! BULLSHIT."

"I am the greatest sweet connoisseur that ever _lived! _I own the most gigantical chocolate factory IN THE WORLD! I've found the ultimate recipe for the _NEVER ENDING CHOCOLATE BAR OF INFINITY._" L muttered weaving around like a drunkard. "Who has doughnuts for me...?

"NU-UH. _MY _factory is the greatest in the world!" Mello protested, stuffing a berry in his mouth. "By the by YOUR CANDY TASTES LIKE SHIT."

"You take that back...or I'll blow up your factory with Matsui's Entei over there. HA, bet you don't have one of those."

"_So, _I have that guy over there. In the cake suit!"

He was referring to Near who was giggling crazily and running back and forth. "Hey guys! I found some new action figures! _And they MOVE! _SEE!" His action figures were actually large centipedes that crawled in his shirt, pants, and hair. "Aren't they cute?"

The ramblings grew more insane the more they ate the strange berries. Everybody started to wind down as the bushes grew bare. Slowly, the campers passed out in a haze of berry-hallucinations...the sound of the highway 20 feet below them.

* * *

Waiting patiently in the campground parking lot was Watari. He was here for L and the others, but they were about 3 days late. Content to wait as long as possible, Watari leaned against the car and began to read the paper.

"Oh, new species of berries found. Purple and yellow with the tendency to cause severe hallucinations. Well, they're not that dumb to eat those, are they?"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Thank you all for the views and reviews and for possibly busting a gut laughing at it. This Fanfic is a prequel to Pranks &amp; Sweets: The War of the Chocolate Factories, the crazy dreams of tge guys passed out in the woods. READ IT NOW. :D_**


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